Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.