Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.