I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.