There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what