me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.