ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks