@causticbob: Me: If we weren't related, I'd totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren't related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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@CakeThrottle: My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.
@InternetHippo: BEN CARSON’S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner