Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.