Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot