Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.