Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I鈥檓 worried I said something homeowphobic
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
At this point I鈥檇 just like to have my winter body back.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
everyone make a new friend so you don鈥檛 get assigned to David
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine鈥檚 Day.
Me : what鈥檚 that thing that鈥檚 not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My grocery list.
1. Don鈥檛 run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that鈥檚 fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it鈥檚 so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks