ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I will never stop laughing at this
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?