Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
calling in to work dehydrated
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda