Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Succinctly put.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.