Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
You Might Also Like
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Batman v Dracula
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶