Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.