My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
How dramatic are you?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
After 35, your body ages in dog years
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.