Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.