Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Mad Max: Furry Road
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!