Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?