“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Thinking about Jeff
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Florida man
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!