me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me