Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.