ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.