Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Happy thanksgiving
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.