My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism