ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Merica.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Don’t touch that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me