ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
next level snooze
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.