ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago