ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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Happy Taco Tuesday
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
my professor scared me for a second
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.