Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.