ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Yes my dude
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
three things we don’t talk about
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now