ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Beware of the dog..
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.