Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sticker placement is key.
It’s the weekend y’all
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!