The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Lmbo
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.