Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou