Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.