Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
This week’s mood.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours