Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You Might Also Like
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.