How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*