Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
wtf is a larm clock?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.