Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My god she’s good.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine