ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You Might Also Like
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready