I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
🤣🤣🤣
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.