I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I wish this was real life…
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The glory of fall.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Very good! 👍😂
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.