ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.