Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
awkward
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?