Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
welcome back
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis