Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I bet birds love this building.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet