ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Realize this:
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Otters see a butterfly.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.